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Thursday, April 17th, 2008

Time:11:27 am.
I'm pretty sure no one reads this, so I think I am safe to say what I want. But then again, I am not sure.

Anyway, I hate my life right now, more than I've ever hated it when I was shooting H &drinking the nights away. I cleaned myself up, for the most part. I got rid of the H, at least. But I am so sick of everything. If my mom was still alive, I wouldn't be here. I'd be curled up in her arms, crying my eyes out. Instead I have lived in four different houses in the last two months, &I am sick of it. I want somewhere to call my home. I want somewhere to go at the end of the night...&to not feel like I am just a guest in a friend's house. I seriously want to die. Where is my life headed? What am I looking for?

Maybe you're going to be the one that saves me.
Aren't you tired of being weak?

Friday, December 28th, 2007

Time:10:53 pm.
It's been a while. Life's changed quite a bit. Mom's dead, living a sober life, living with my brother. Why do things change? Nothing really makes sense anymore. I wouldn't say I'm not happy. I am... I really am. It's nice to wake up every day &know what's going on. But there is that missing piece. I've lost interest in things I used to love, because they remind me of her.

Sometimes I think...no, I know... it would be so much easier to say, "fuckit" and give up.

But, where would that leave me?

A couple months from now... how will I be doing? What will life be like? I ask myself these questions. But in my heart, I know that I don't want the answers.
4 with such rage that you could scream. | Aren't you tired of being weak?

Monday, October 9th, 2006

Time:3:49 am.
Am I angry... disappointed, maybe... or just completely, disgustedly jealous?
2 with such rage that you could scream. | Aren't you tired of being weak?

Saturday, September 16th, 2006

Time:1:53 am.

I can't help but think of a few weels agp when my mom held up a towel covered in my vomit,  I didn't remember putting there, for me to wipe off. &she acted like it was cool, like the smelled of a deathly amount of alcohol wasn't filling her lungs.

I can't help but to remember that as I clean up my own puke tonight.

1 with such rage that you could scream. | Aren't you tired of being weak?

Wednesday, September 6th, 2006

Time:11:48 pm.
Maybe it's the way he kisses me. Maybe it's the way he holds me in his arms when I'm lying next to him. Maybe, just maybe, it's everything about him. Something's got me all crazy inside. I was so completely sure this feeling was gone from my life forever. Somehow I got it back, &I want to trap it in a bottle &hold it next to my heart for the rest of my life.

A simple whisper from your voice, &I fade away.
Aren't you tired of being weak?

Sunday, August 27th, 2006

Time:2:29 pm.
Fuck, I am deep. But I think it is good... I really do this time.
Aren't you tired of being weak?

Thursday, August 24th, 2006

Time:12:56 am.

Do you know what it's like for your whole body to be numb? ................to hate yourself with every last part of what you are, but yet, you're still here...

Reminds me I'll still be dead, but I'm already in my head. So if I get drunk &call you up, don't get pissed &hang up.

Aren't you tired of being weak?

Friday, August 11th, 2006

Time:10:20 am.
I don't know what to say. I highly doubt anyone reads this anymore anyway. I feel so empty... in a good way... &in a bad way. Sometimes I just want to scream &never stop. 

I get myself in situations, let myself feel things I shouldn't let myself feel.

Sometimes I scare myself so fucking much. I want to be different. I can honestly say I do. But I don't think I can do it. I don't want to think about my future, because it's the most terrifying thing I can do. 

How do some people have themselves so together? Why &how did I get so fucked up?

How do you do it, make me feel like I do?
1 with such rage that you could scream. | Aren't you tired of being weak?

Wednesday, April 12th, 2006

Time:11:48 pm.
I can't stop crying myself to sleep. So, yeah, I fucked up... but can you blame me?

I went to the park the other day, &I found myself crying over him &the memories we managed to have together... it just killed me. Because I did care. I did feel something so strong that I only hoped my words &actions would be enough to show him that. But yeah, fuuuuck it, people are selfish assholes, &I hope they all rot in hell.

fuckfuckfucfuck. ...don't apologize, I hope you choke and DIE...
Aren't you tired of being weak?

Friday, November 25th, 2005

Subject:I hope this freedom brings you back to me
Time:11:46 am.
Words don't mean much anymore. Yet it kills me to read over things I wrote in the past, because I can still feel it, taste it, experience every word written there. But things are so different now. I'm supposed to be normal &happy &never worry about anything.
I had hit more than just a bottom. I was going to kill myself because it wasn't happening fast enough, but somehow, my work, parents, the police, &my PO were there to stop me on the day it was going to happen.
Needless to say, I ended up in a shelter for a  couple of days, until I was sent to a rehab for 2 months.
It's hard being clean after 2 years of ALWAYS having something at least for the better part of each day. It's hard as fuck being consciously aware of everything going on around me at all times, of having the deal with real feelings.
But most of all, it's hard being clean at a time like this. I wish I could have had this happen to me before I lost everything. Mostly I'm just talking about a boyfriend. Mostly I'm just lonely as fuck.
I hope you drown.
2 with such rage that you could scream. | Aren't you tired of being weak?

Saturday, September 10th, 2005

Time:2:06 pm.
Worst feeling ever. Bruises &headaches. Not sure how I woke up today. Not sure of anything right now. I woke up, feeling like shit, couldn't remember anything... all I had for a memory of last night was a voicemail on my phone from Ray saying he ws at my house, but I must be sleeping, so he was going to go... &a CD sitting beside my bed. I think he might have given it to me when he dropped me off after work, but I can't remember.

Godddddddddd.... at least when I was fucked up all the time, I had a reason for these type of things.
1 with such rage that you could scream. | Aren't you tired of being weak?

Tuesday, September 6th, 2005

Time:2:57 pm.

No more boyfriend for me. Weird. Thought it'd work this time, after everything, you know, that happened. This is not my life. This is not what I like. ..it's just a fond farewell to a friend..

Been hanging out with Ray. Very nice. I'm liking the no-more-guilt feeling. Just makes it all the better.

                Don't want to see the day when it's dying
                   He's a sight to see; he's good to me.
                                    You don't deserve to be lonely. Those drugs you got ...won't make you feel better... soon you'll see, it's the only little part of your life you're keeping together.

How long will you stay with me, baby?

9 with such rage that you could scream. | Aren't you tired of being weak?

Saturday, September 3rd, 2005

Time:3:03 am.
Is there something wrong with her?
Am I refering to myself?
..no, but I am part of her..

.............&the other part doesn't get much better.
Aren't you tired of being weak?

Friday, September 2nd, 2005

Time:12:32 pm.
That last entry ended up meaning nothing. But last night, it could have been true. Besides that, last night was just really bad. Tried to actually spend time with a friend, &my dad just happened to be coming home at the same moment my friend pulled up.
I also had the time of my life being choked (wow, the second time, just a different person!), then THROWN DOWN STAIRS, where I landed quite hard on my head/neck. It hurts so bad today, but what can I do? Put a fake smile on, go to work, &pretend I'm doing fine.

This isn't safe. I'm not okay here. A good thing has gone to waste. It's too bad...sad... I can't stop crying inside, but no emotion is showing.

My mind is blown, but it's my own, so deal with it. I'm feeling fine most the time. Maybe on the outside, but no one's getting in.

Oh to be drunk &forgetful; to get out of this unscathed. Oh, to be free &inhuman. Some may say I love to play when the chance is there to take. I'm moppin' up the floor from messy recipes of romance. Some may say I love to let a good thing go to waste. I let it go to waste. I'm lookin' at my watch; at all the time that's been stolen
when I was carrying you; seems I've tripped &I've fallen.
2 with such rage that you could scream. | Aren't you tired of being weak?

Wednesday, August 31st, 2005

Time:11:49 pm.
I needed you when this was all I had left. I knew I did. That's why I was so scared. What are you thinking... what are you feeling?

...am I anything to you at all?...

...I suppose silence is the only answer I need to have.
Aren't you tired of being weak?

Thursday, August 25th, 2005

Time:6:05 pm.
Shit. Somebody's going to get hurt no matter how this turns out. You or me. God, I'm praying for the worst.

...I always was a selfish girl...
Aren't you tired of being weak?

Sunday, August 7th, 2005

Time:12:49 am.
If I take more, will I still be okay ?

...sometimes I lay there, scared to death because I'm stuck inside of this body, because I feel everything my mind has done to it, &I know it's not okay, I know I want to be okay, I want so much out of life.

Something happened tonight. Can't even talk about it.

...it hurts way too much...
Aren't you tired of being weak?

Monday, August 1st, 2005

Time:10:41 pm.
Pretty much every part of myself broke down into this sobbing, uncontrollable mess when I read that last comment from you, Alex.............. because I am so fucked up......... because every part of myself is doing everything it can to kill me... to kill what may be alive inside of me....

I'm sorry.... keep trying to get ahold of me.......

please don't give up like I've given up on myself.
1 with such rage that you could scream. | Aren't you tired of being weak?

Saturday, July 30th, 2005

Time:9:20 pm.
I talked to my mom today about something that means more to me than she could ever understand right now. &a part of me is suffering because of that... but I guess that's okay because it isn't like every other part of me isn't suffering too; just the rest of me is so dilluted with drugs that I can't see the pain.

Ooooohhhhh.... fuck... don't ask; if you know anything about me, you'll know exactly why all I can type right now is "fuck"... you'll know exactly why the tears are pouring out of me... why my mind is soooo fucking wasted that I can't find any other word at this point...

I'm pretty sure that my liver is fucked up. As well as my kidneys. At first it was just the one on the left side of my body. I could feel the pain every time I let myself go, I could see the swelling in my ankles, I could see every sign of failure, but this other part of me, this part of myself that just hates me to every last molecule in my body, let me do it again &again... but now it is on the right side... with all the other symptoms as well.

Shit. There is probably more I wanted to write. Probably about the way I felt tonight. The way it killed me to accuse him of something, when all along I knew it was myself I wanted to destroy... the way it made me tear into my flesh, hoping, praying, wishing I had hit a vein that bled enough to destroy me; to make me into nothing...


does it really matter, at this point, who I am talking about ? ? ? ? ? ? ? . . . the answer is.... NNNNOOOO ... you fucked me so much at this point that it doesn't matter. I am so far gone...so lost...so fucked beyond any point of help... that it doesn't fuckin' matter.

FUCK. I had good things to say. .............................I honestly did.

...I’ve got a mind that can steer me to your house &a heart that can bring you red flowers. My intentions are good &earnest &true, but under my hood is internal combustion. Satan is my motor. Hear my motor purr. Satan is the only one who seems to understand. I’ve got brakes; I’m wide awake...I can stop this car at any time; st the very last second I can change directions; turn completely around if I feel so inclined....
1 with such rage that you could scream. | Aren't you tired of being weak?

Monday, June 27th, 2005

Time:12:42 pm.
Yuuumm. Nothing like a pina colada with maybe just a little too much rum to start the day off.

I never think anybody's reading what I write, then I have someone tell me about someone else who's reading this... &then I stop writing about all the crazy shit going on, because I'm always trying to hide who I am. Sometimes I even think I'm trying to hide it from myself.

Is that bad? Maybe that should be like a big slap in the face that something isn't right here.
Aren't you tired of being weak?

LiveJournal for [jasmine emery].

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You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.