[jasmine emery] (bluepunkrock) wrote,
[jasmine emery]
bluepunkrock

I talked to my mom today about something that means more to me than she could ever understand right now. &a part of me is suffering because of that... but I guess that's okay because it isn't like every other part of me isn't suffering too; just the rest of me is so dilluted with drugs that I can't see the pain.

Ooooohhhhh.... fuck... don't ask; if you know anything about me, you'll know exactly why all I can type right now is "fuck"... you'll know exactly why the tears are pouring out of me... why my mind is soooo fucking wasted that I can't find any other word at this point...

I'm pretty sure that my liver is fucked up. As well as my kidneys. At first it was just the one on the left side of my body. I could feel the pain every time I let myself go, I could see the swelling in my ankles, I could see every sign of failure, but this other part of me, this part of myself that just hates me to every last molecule in my body, let me do it again &again... but now it is on the right side... with all the other symptoms as well.

Shit. There is probably more I wanted to write. Probably about the way I felt tonight. The way it killed me to accuse him of something, when all along I knew it was myself I wanted to destroy... the way it made me tear into my flesh, hoping, praying, wishing I had hit a vein that bled enough to destroy me; to make me into nothing...

BASTARD ......FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK................IIIIIIIII HHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...


does it really matter, at this point, who I am talking about ? ? ? ? ? ? ? . . . the answer is.... NNNNOOOO ... you fucked me so much at this point that it doesn't matter. I am so far gone...so lost...so fucked beyond any point of help... that it doesn't fuckin' matter.


FUCK. I had good things to say. .............................I honestly did.



...I’ve got a mind that can steer me to your house &a heart that can bring you red flowers. My intentions are good &earnest &true, but under my hood is internal combustion. Satan is my motor. Hear my motor purr. Satan is the only one who seems to understand. I’ve got brakes; I’m wide awake...I can stop this car at any time; st the very last second I can change directions; turn completely around if I feel so inclined....
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